Wednesday, January 13, 2010

70/30 in Favor

Quote: "In solitude, when we are least alone." -Byron

Actual Quote Today: "I bet Superman has to have a really limp handshake." -L

I woke up at 3:00 am this morning to the sound of rain. That was really nice. What wasn't nice was that I woke up at 3:00 am. I don't wake up well. Its just not a skill of mine. I wake up. I get up. I stay conscious. But I don't wake up with ease. Usually when I wake up early, I immediately go to sleep. No fuss, no muss. But I woke at 3, and found myself awake for half an hour, just staring at the shutters of my window. Thank god for the rain, cuz I probably would have stayed awake even longer. The sound of rain relaxes me like nothing else. This is very problematic, since I live in California, and these past few years, we've been in a drought. So you can imagine how often I get to listen to rain.

Anyways, I was awake and staring off into space, thinking the thoughts one does at that hour, with a brain half-stuffed with mush. I felt very alone. Its been a theme for me. But not in the boo-hoo way. More in the way that I realize that all my dreams rest on me. All my accomplishments are mine. Yes, I can have help. But help only lasts as long as drive. And that drive is mine. I want to be there for everyone of my friends, but seriously, I can't. I'm alone. So are they. Good or bad. Geez, Nate, really...?

And I felt alone in the way that I'm not sure if I can change anymore. In a way that I'm not sure if I want to change. Sometimes I don't want anything to do with anyone. And that feeling has come back again and again. Maybe I am good in social situations. (And I hope I don't bring make a pain of myself when they do invite me to stuff). But I know for a fact that I need to be left alone some days. I can almost see an older version of me somewhere in the future just living in a cabin in the Oregon woods, happily left to my thoughts and pleasantly talking to myself. (I talk to myself now, actually). Its a sea change, if anything. Right now I'm 70/30 in favor of social interaction, but the number will keep changing till its 70/30 in favor of "leave me to my devices."

Sleep came back and I woke up 6 hours later.

Sobering morning's musings lead to the warmth of my love for Wednesdays. New Comic Book Wednesday. It always cheers me up. Thanks, Comics Unlimited. You're magic is what you are. I even got a free Jamba Juice there. Though it was really Lainey that got a free Jamba Juice, I was just allowed a few sips. :-P

Topics of Conversation @ Comics Unlimited: Jamba Juice, how converting to veganism would make me cooler, acting not sick, Superman trying not to break people, Conan O'Brien, NBC's idiocy, left overs, Shrek, how "gyre" is supposed to be pronounced, Secret Clubs (AGAIN), the folly of literally sharing your heart with a girl, accents, etc.

Work was even more interesting today. The boss got some free pizza for us as a belated Holiday dinner/lunch. And while I ate, I played some Mozart on my mini-boombox. CLAZZY. And we had to shoot a Planning Commission Meeting tonight, which only had three items to discuss, but they still found a way to talk for OVER AN HOUR. Argh.

Stayed at work till almost 11:00 pm talking and waxing poetic with my co-workers Karmin and Mike. We all seem to be hitting a juncture. What this juncture is, I do not know, but its different for all of us. Change is imminent. Change is needed. Change is friggin' terrifying. We must tread wisely. Also, Mike made a kickass track of music that I've been staring off into space to. I have decided to hire him one day to not only be my cinematographer, but also make the music for my movies.



Karmin said...

Hello Nathaniel! Its me. Karmin. I like how my name's been dropped twice in your blog - makes me feel famous...anyhoo...I too have been contemplating the nature of "being alone". I've noticed that i've been explaining my loneliness to a lot of people lately. its mostly people i haven't seen in a while, and one of the first questions they ask - "so, do you have a boyfriend yet?"...Before, when this would come up, i'd just laugh it off and say "no - do you know of anybody you can set me up with?" har har har. But lately, i've been feeling the need to explain how OK i am with being single. How independent i feel. How free. And sometimes i believe it...But someone asked me this today, and i gave my little "independant woman" response , and i felt so phoney. Like i was giving a prepared speech, or reading a script...I don't really know where i was going with this...just thought i'd share - you're not alone in your loneliness!!!

By the way, i concur with your praise of our Mikey boy. Very talented. Very creative. Very humble. That kid is gonna make it. I feel it. So are you, by the way. I really feel so cool being friends with such talented people as yourselves. I have a scriptwriter and a musician for friends, therefore, i am cool. sweet.

Patrick said...

Hi Nate.

Just wanted to let you know that I read everything you write here. Keep doing what you do, I guess.

NateTheGreat said...

Hang in there, Karmin! We'll make 2010 ours!

Trick, its cool to hear from you, buddy. I'm glad that you're reading.