Friday, April 2, 2010

20 Overly-Large Men In a Row

I spent most of the morning going over possible work. This included such exciting tid bits as working at a restaurant, or being a lab rat, or even working for Green Peace. That’s right, Green Peace is hiring. When did that happen? Isn’t that supposed to be a calling, or something?

Later, I went to Justin’s place, and we decided to catch Clash of the Titans. We tried to gather people to check it out with us, but apparently this was the kind of Friday where everybody and their mom was up to something. But we were in luck, cuz Aaron and Amy would be available to catch the flick with us. The catch was that Amy would not be off work till after 8:00 or so. But Aaron was available to hang out till then, so we down to Cerritos to pick up Aaron.

After picking up Aaron, we went to the Long Beach Town Center, and brutally murdered a great deal of time at Barnes & Noble. Our version of killing time at a book store was pretty loud, mostly consisting of skimming through books and loudly conversing on the merits of book size and being unimpressed with most book covers.

Then a happy polka song played over the speaker system, and my mind wandered. I started riffing with Justin about the song, and who would not only play it, but who would be listening to it. Our juvenile minds soon went on a wonderful tangent:

*AHEM*

I present to you…

20 Overly-Large Men in a Row

Imagine, if you will, a book store. Now imagine, even more, that that bookstore is a Barnes & Noble chain. There are rows upon rows of books ranging from Idiot’s Guides to How to Draw Manga Aliens to Pride & Prejudice & Zombies. It is a store with many employees. But the main employee is a man named Dwayne. Dwayne has been working there for nigh unto 2 years and 3 months, and is getting by. Not trying to solve problems, but not trying to cause problems either.

Just… Getting by.

Today he was to play a collection of CD’s that have been approved by the nearest branch of the corporate offices. And the list is sporadic and safe, just as Mr. Suchandsuch has required. The machine has just replaced a smooth Pop Punk band that nobody will ask the name of, and has started to play a Polka collection from the mid to late ‘70’s.

Barely a minute into the first song, the CD skips.

Dwayne looks up from his copy of Empire magazine. The sound of the skipping CD brought his glance up, but the sight of 20 overly-large men in a row keeps him from finishing his article about the movie Kick Ass. Because the 20 overly-large men in a row are walking in perfect synch, and they are completely occupying a row of non-fiction biographies and a row of half-priced calendars, and are walking right up to the check-out registers.

Dwayne is the only person at the registers.

And they are walking in synch to this song: [POLKA LINK] Open in a seperate window.

The overly-large man in the front of the row is carrying a copy of Stephen King‘s Maximum Overdrive. Dwayne notices that each of the 20 men a copy of that exact book under their arm. Dwayne has now discovered the source of the bizarre special order from last Monday. Upon closer inspection, Dwayne notices that each of the overly-large men look very similar.

DWAYNE- Wow. You guys are all walking in time to the song.
MAX- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
DWAYNE- Just that this song came on, and all of you showed up at the same time.
MAX- WAIT A MOMENT, DO YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT BECAUSE WE ARE LARGE THAT WE CAN ONLY HAVE POLKA MUSIC AS OUR INTRODUCTORY THEME?
DWAYNE- No, no, I’m sorry. I was just a little surprised after the CD skipped when you guys showed up, that’s all.
MAX- Well, that’s perfectly- WAIT A MOMENT, ARE YOU SAYING THE CD SKIPPED BECAUSE WE ARE SO HEAVY, THAT THE FACT THAT WE WERE WALKING IN TIME TO THE MUSIC MADE IT SKIP?
DWAYNE- Oh, geez! I’m sorry, I would never say-


At this point, every second overly-large man hunches down in time to the tuba beat. When they stand up, every first overly-large man trades off with them and hunches down. They do so in intervals to the rhythm of the tuba.

DWAYNE- What-…? What are doing?
MAX- This is how we exercise.


The 20 overly-large men in a row do this for a few beats of the song, with Dwayne staring in confusion.

DWAYNE- Are you… are you going to buy those books? …Look, this whole up-and-down thing isn’t doing you any favors… I- I just… SIGH.
(Beat)
DWAYNE- Do you have any dignity left at this point?


The 20 overly-large men do not respond, merely continuing their “exercise,” and stare at Dwayne.

The polka song finally ends.

-FIN-

Really, how else can I explain utter, ridiculous tangent drivel? I can’t. So now you get a piece of how my brain works. You’re welcome.

Justin, Aaron, and myself head over to the theater to wait for Amy. She arrives and we get our tickets. But we still have time for dinner and head over to the Food Court. I buy a lackluster lasagna, quietly wishing to myself that buying Italian food automatically meant getting GOOD Italian food. After dinner, we head in and watch Clash of the Titans (in amazing 2D!)


Clash is an action movie. So in that manner, the action is very good, but the reasons and story behind the action are HOLY SHNIKEYS! DID YOU SEE THAT KRAKEN?! THIS S**T JUST GOT REAL!!!

….was I saying something about the story? Oh well.

Now, I’m a Greek Mythology buff. If you make a movie with Greek or Norse Mythology heavily involved, then I will watch your movie. (See Percy Jackson if you doubt this). And the stories of the Greek gods are stories of super-powered jerks. Seriously, they were a petty and contradictory lot. I can see how this would inspire someone to tell a story of flawed and angry super-beings.

That does not excuse the fact that the motivations of the humans are absolutely baffling. The king of Argos picks a fight with friggin’ ZEUS, and then is surprised when they gods decided to kick his city’s ass. There is another character that hates everything and anything to do with the gods, but is quick to completely flip flop at a moment’s notice. One moment, he doesn’t want or like any favors and gifts from the god’s, and then the next moment he forgets to be like that.

Argh.

The monster designs are awesome though. Just don’t watch this movie if you want character motivations to make sense.

Topics of Conversation @ Long Beach Town Center: Macaroni hogies, solo guitar d-bags, an emotionally devastated immortal woman, “I’m Zeus,” celestial hypocrites, Amy bait, etc.

-Nate

1 comment:

justinquizon12 said...

Damn, the 20 large men thing is still funny to me even nearly a week later.